Fear of Commitment
Commitment phobia is really the fear and avoidance of having to commit to anything, but is most commonly used when referring to someone's apparent lack of ability to commit to a (usually) long-term relationship, especially marriage.
How fears of commitment can appear
Commitment phobia can express itself itself in all kinds of ways, but the following are quite typical:
Being overly critical of the relationship and/or the other partner.
Being hurtful to the other person, deliberately or otherwise, so that the relationship is undermined (even in ones that have appeared to work well). Persistant lateness, with or without excuses, is an example of this.
Wariness over being noticed by others because someone, anyone, might want to start a relationship. Often, other people will be pushed away from the outset, the reasoning behind this can be to 'protect' themselves from even the prospect of letting others get too close.
On the other hand, some people who are commitment phobic, may seem flirtatious and will desire the attentions of other interested parties, even wanting to have a long-term physical relationship. Often though, the other person gets pushed away, and feelings are hurt and hearts get broken.
Commitment phobics will often fear being 'swamped' by others. They fear they'll lose sight of who they are.
Some people with commitment phobia do want to find that certain someone who is 'just right' for them, but all too often there'll be unrealistic ideals and perfectionism over who is or isn't 'just right' for them. This will often frustrate relatives and friends and comments abound like: 'Mr/Miss Perfect just doesn't exist', alongside: 'you're being too choosy, too picky'.
There is usually a deep reluctance to face up to the thoughts or prospects of living together (if they're currently in a loving relationship), or getting married and having a family. They might want it 'one day' ... just 'not yet'. However, this 'not yet' scenario can happen time and time again and can cause a lot of confusion and distress on the parts of their loved ones, as the time for making a full, long-term commitment gets put further and further back. The loved ones fearing and 'knowing' that it'll just never happen.
Sometimes they'll fall in love with people who, for one reason or another, are not able or interested in forming an intimate relationship. This is because, deliberately or otherwise, they've chosen someone who is not presently capable of having a long-term relationship, and in turn, this helps to keep the commitment phobic 'safe' from having to make a long-term commitment.
There is also the sufferer who yo-yo's in relationships. They'll enter a relationship ... leave ... return sometime later ... leave again, and so on. This yo-yoing can happen many times, and always seems to leave hurt, confusion and lack of trust behind.
There can also be an avoidance issue when it comes to committing to anything. It can involve jobs, tasks, timekeeping, as well as the areas of friendships and personal relationships. Sometimes, it can even involve undergoing therapy for the actual commitment phobia. Therapy requires commitment.
What causes fear of commitment?
The causes of this problem are very individual, but sometimes it has been seen to be associated with a loss, or trauma of some kind, such as parental separation, divorce, or bereavement. But, it must be said that this is not always the case, and many commmitment phobics come from loving and 'stable' homes.
Another possibility is that the child might have had poor role models, or been witness to abusive relationships during the formative years. Not surprisingly, this can (consciously, or unconsciously) influence the way they feel or take part in relationships when they grow up.
Often, there will be a fear of loss, or rejection. The subconscious feels, that if it happened once before, it could happen again and so tries to' protect' itself from ever happening again. Guilt can play its part, too. So, to avoid this pain, there will be some kind of distancing from others which, in turn, helps them to feel more in control of the situation.
Obtaining treatment for commitment phobia
Of course, everyone is an individual, and their set of circumstances may, of course, be completely different to the ones listed above.
But, if you are a person who has commitment issues, and especially if it's causing problems in your life, why not refer yourself for an initial consultation, so that we can meet and discuss what's happening.
All consultations are held in confidance and obtaining an appointment is easy and straitforward.
Book an initial consultation with Denise
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